This week

This week has been pretty average, I have been on a couple of 7.5 mile runs with the husband, first run was ok, 2nd run was shite... I could not run for toffee, i could not get my breathing right, i blew it.  Still, not going to threat about it..

I feel life is pretty shit at the moment, (and if you read this Alan, it's not about you ok!!!)
I feel angry, I can't afford anything, i want a holiday, I don't want to go running, i liked the gym but i can't afford to go to the gym.  Yes it's all about me, i work hard, yes it;s only part-time but it's pretty full on, I want to have something nice when i get paid.. what do i get ...NADA, yes i know there are people worse of, and NO, i don't know what to do about it!! 
I used to drive around in new cars, now.. well now i can't even afford to put my OLD car on the road, it's mot was due and it needed work, so it's off the road.
I am finding it extremely difficult to look to the future, i don't have anything to look forward to.  Yes I am looking forward to seeing Thomas and Hannah growing up and looking forward to grandchildren, but I am just waiting, sat here waiting for these things to happen.  Is this what happens when you get old, you just sit around waiting and waiting and waiting!!

I know i sound like a cow but it's not wrong to want things.  I want to go and see Les Miserables, really really want to see it, but I can't.. I can't have anything, i can't do anything, i can't have any luxuries in life.. oh and I hate shopping in fucking Aldi because I can't afford to shop in Tesco anymore!!  Luckily for me, I don't have to shop with the other poor people of Dover as Alan does it and he isn't bothered.  I hate the shop, i hate the  people that shop there and i feel like a poor person when i go there.  I feel people look at me (dirty smelly people) and think i am the same as them..

Hannah has a driving test soon, so when she passes, we will have to get my car sorted so she can use it for work as she does shift work, so even when my car is on the road, I won't get to use it!
I thought I could do better than Val, but really I am no better, infact she is probably far better off than me.  I used to look at her and hoped to god that i never looked like her but, here i am, can't afford to get my fucking hair cut, my clothes are shit, my hair is shit.. everything is shit..